See? No witty title or smart remarks (Not that the rest were, but I was trying then so I have to pretend) Just my mind on a blank. Beeeeeeeeep. Like Anna's answering machine because SHE'S NEVER HOME AND I HATE LEAVING MESSAGES. I didn't even get to tell you happy birthday face to face! You better have had fun in Georgia...
Ok sorry, I'm sick and I'm being grumpy. Not a good excuse, but I'm pretending here too. I hven't been able to blog, because I can't get myself to do anything at all lately. Even right now I have the urge to get up and ditch the computer and make a Cup of Noodles. I'm not even hungry! Over the past two days that I have not gone to school (Right before spring break, pathetic, I know) I have attempted to make bracelets, (which all broke) do my homework (that I don't understand) and God forbid, draw something. You do not want to know how that turned out. I'm a mess. And I might know why. If I'm right then I'm...doomed. See? There I go again. I got another urge to say something that I'm not supposed to. It's not even that. I care that I'm not supposed to cuss or anything, but that's not the main reason I don't. It just isn't me. So am i turning into...not...me? That's it. I can't make myself do my homework. Not me. I can't bring myself to do yoga. Not me. I can't bring myself to look through the box of stuff from Traverse City under my bed, which always cheers me up. And that's so not me it's scary.
Somebody fix me please.
And while I'm complaining I might as well tell the rest of my worries so that Nikki and Lydia can yell at me to snap out of it.
#1. I don't really like hanging out with Christina. There is nothing wrong with her, but I just don't particularly enjoy spending time with most of the freshman here. Besides Adam of course. I've tried, really, though maybe not as hard as I could have, and it kinda hurts to know that the freshmen I just can't seem to enjoy spending time with are all I'm going to have next year. It also hurts to have to write that down. But it's the truth. I wanted to like them, because Adam does, and Adam wants me to like them. And now Adam's hanging out with Christina again, wich is what I wanted, and I don't overly want to be by her. That is not the biggest problem ever though, and I'm banking on the fact that Adam almost never reads this thing. I already feel horrible for saying all that, but it's my blog and I guess I shouldn't be afraid to write anything down...
Next
#2. They are leaving. Each and everyone of them. The seniors. My friends, I'll have Adam next year, and Kirsten, but I won't have much of anyone one else. Help.
#3. Jacob is leaving. He might not consider me as much a friend as I consider him, and he probably doesn't, but he counts so much to me, and he won't be here. It's like losing one of you guys. Like losing Anna. Of course, you lot aren't really gone, because I still get to talk to you, but can I hope that much from him? He's coming back for Christmas. If I knew one of you were coming to see me, at anytime, I would spend all my time thinking and waiting for that day. Is it going to be like that for him? Am I going to spend the whole summer, all the way up to Christmas, waiting to see him again? I think so.
And here's my conclusion to all this whining. Girls should not blog right after reading the fourth Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Which I have. Neh neh Neh neh Neehhhh neh.
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2 comments:
This comment is being brought to you in part by nikki and lydia, the optimistic friends who definitely feel that it is unhealthy to spend your life worrying about the fact that jacob is not there.
(now Nikki is talking) You don't need him Rachael, and the longer you keep thinking that the harder it will be to get over him, okay? Promise me you will try to stop thinking- no that doesn't help because I know you won't. Nevermind. Okay, do you want me to me harsh and tell you what you should do or should I comfort you like Lydia? I'm going to be harsh, k?
Jacob is not everything. You need to move on. You know this, but you're not trying. You can do whatever it takes. You can do what I did, start a fight with him and that I do not recommend, because I regret it a little, or you can stop talking to him like slowly cut him out of your life, that works a little better. And your sad. That's your problem. You keep saying what is wrong with me or whatever, that's it. YOU'RE JUST SAD.
{I'm done. Lydia's turn.}
Everything Nikki says makes sense. Now my only advice is to not fully cut him out, necessarily, but gradually realize that being with someone other than Mr. Unrequited Love will be a lot better. Think of my story: I went to the mall with Andy, Keli and Dan Ryan one day; Dan liked me, I liked Andy, Andy liked Keli, and Keli liked Andy. What a saga (No one liked Dan). ANYWAY, I thought I'd never get over Andy. I didn't dare even pay attention to one other guy in his presence. And I hear Keli shout, "MATT SELL!" across the main hallway at the mall. And that was where things got better, even though I didn't realize it immediately.
But Rach, keep your options open. Having a closed mind never ever ever ever ever ever ever everrrrrrr makes you happy. EVERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
You'll live through this. But Nikki's right: Jacob is not everything, and he never will be.
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