Think to Much

"I was blown away.
What could I say?
It all seemed to make sense.
You've taken away everything,
And I can't deal with that.
I try to see the good in life,
But good things in life are hard to find.
We'll blow it away, blow it away.
Can we make this something good?
Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.
Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.I
t's not over.'
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over."

...................................

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I don't know why I bother. Ever. With anything. I finally get to feeling good, my life seems fixed, set. Like nothing can go wrong. I'm happy. Then it all gets ripped away in the most brutal way possible. I lost all of you, in Michigan. I can hear from you, an email, a phone call. Your voices, but not your faces. It's not the same. I know it and you know it.

But I'm coming back. This summer. There is no way I'm not. I don't care if my parents say I can't, or if I don't have enough money. I'll spend my days doing nothing, buying nothing, saving my lunch money without my mom knowing, until I can come back.

Because i can't stay here. There's nothing for me here. I thought there might have been, was reaching that point again where I was beginning to be happy. Almost.

I am a fool. I assume things off of tiny instances, things that don't even matter. Then I force them to matter, in my head, morphing those pointless things into something that means the whole world to me. And then I discover how false it all is. And there is no more world. Just pain.

I have never felt more understanding of you Nicolette. At least you know what I'm talking about.

I can't wait. I can't wait to go home and do nothing but go to Border's three times a week, buying coffee and a lifetimes worth of books. Then ending the week with a jump in the Lake on saturday, or going to Chili's with whichever one of you happens to have come over that day, and exclaiming over the taste of the mushroom swiss burgers that I never get tired of.

And being able to sleep again.